EAT ANYWHERE
BOOGERS MAY BE THE PERFECT FOOD
Doctors at the Mario Clinic in Franz, New Mexico have determined that boogeroucious pelletious, commonly known as boogers, may actually contain all of the daily nutrients needed by the human body.
Professer Holcum Bigun PHd. DDS, ENh & SOb, head of the Nose Of Plenty Project at Eastwood College, announced the results of their studies to the AMA last week at the National Ear Nose and Throat Convention. "It's possible that the olfactory system of a single human being, with a serious cold, could feed an entire family of four, said Dr. Bigun to the attendees. There is certainly no reason why any community should sucumb to famine, when each individual can produce enough edible pellets to sustain his own body for several weeks."
The study also seems to suggest an explanation for the increased incidence of obesity in modern day America. Using hidden video cameras, reseachers followed a test group of fat people around and witnessed them eating boogers in the comfort of their cars. A control group of big dudes were only allowed to eat sugar, implanted in their noses to simulate boogers. The control group did loose weight, but over time they developed more tooth decay.
Dr. Willie Pickett OB/Gyn. attended the convention, and had nothing but big props for the Eastwood College findings. "This could be the most important medical finding in decades. It holds amazing promise. Treating obesity is now a simple matter of getting people to stop picking their noses. It will become as easy to treat as smoking cessation".
Sarath Batugedera, a visiting professor from Sri Lanka is the lone critic of the new findings." This is most surely junk science, he said. The only reason that the boogers of Americans are so nutritious is because of the highly nutritious diet available here in the United States. Many of the folks in third world countries routinely eat their boogers, but because their diets are not as rich in nutritional value to begin with as Americans, their boogers do not yield any nutritional value. Thus the people are still starving. Perhaps Americans may learn to harvest their nutritious boogers and export them to other countries, but I doubt that the world will welcome the new product."
The FDA and the US Surgeon General's office has made no comment, but are said to be studying the findings.